Throughout the course of my life there have been men that have had significant impact, while others have floated through as if a feather on a gentle breeze. Leaving little to no impression or influence, but still gracing my life with their short-lived presence. It is said that people come into our lives to teach us a lesson or influence us with something valuable to experience. The questions I have always wondered is, do we recognize the lesson we are learning? Do we consciously understand and incorporate what we’ve learned? Do the unconscious lessons we experience morph into our conscious behavior? Or is there just the before and after, leaving an indelible imprint upon our soul that is there to ponder the whys and wherefores never fully understanding or grasping the rationale. I’d like to say that I’ve learned treasured lessons from all the men I deem as consequential. And I’m sure in some form or another that is true. In some of the relationships that lesson is clearly understood, while with others the definition is as hazy as a soft blanket of fog rolling off of the river and settling over the contours of the land. The lesson learned is more obscure and in some unfathomable way leads to more questions than answers. Does the lack of understanding, questioning and deep analysis bring about a better understanding and therefore change? I find as I look back, that some of the memories I have lay gently upon my soul as a cherished thought bringing with them a warmth like the gentle touch of a lover. Others bring anguish and frustration at the failings, often of my own doing. Where I played a part in bringing it about. Still others bring to mind a sadness for something left unfulfilled. There’s an emptiness in my psyche of an opportunity presented and left wanting. Of a restless ambition, not fully utilized or absorbed. Is this my fate I ask myself? Does everyone experience these moments and thoughts in their lives? Do you ever really have a chance to find peace within yourself when you fall in love and when that love is on the verge of obsession? Do you ever really forget them no matter how you try to block them from your mind and soul? The memory of even a simple thing or gesture raises the thought of them to you and plagues you of what could have been. You think of them knowing that they are somewhere in the world and the question surfaces as to whether they ever think of you. You try to move on and forget them, knowing full well deep down that if they ever came back into your life, it would be near impossible for it not to affect you. The desire to relive a moment in an effort to change the outcome can drive one to madness. However, to hope when all you hope for is hopeless is a weakness you can’t escape. Life isn’t about the what ifs. It’s about reasons. Everything happens for a reason, no matter how heart-breaking or painful at the time. It’s about stepping forward and following your path towards your destiny or fate. Not taking two steps back into your past to torture yourself into seeing where it was you went wrong.
Beginnings
The first man in almost every girl’s life she loves is her father. I was no different in that regard. Although I don’t remember, at the very young age of one my father was called away to serve in the military as it was a time of unrest in the world. Upon his return, I had no recollection of who he was and the importance he represented in my life. I therefore wanted nothing to do with him. It hurt him that I was so distant and eyed him with skepticism. I can say thankfully, that I outgrew that, and our relationship was reestablished. He guided me as a loving father over the years that followed teaching me many valuable lessons in navigating my way through life. However, at times I still feel a distance between us and can’t help to wonder if experiencing this at such a young and impressionable age somehow molded a deep-seated kernel of questioning within me. What I can tell you about my father is that he instilled in me a noble sense of right and wrong. To treat all mankind with equal kindness, recognizing the value all members of this world depart upon us. He guided me to develop a sense of self worth and anyone who truly knows me will call it stubbornness. He impressed upon me the perception of wonder at the world around us and an appreciation for its beauty. Growing up in Colorado, we constantly explored the wilderness as he taught me it’s value. I learned to track wildlife, camp, shoot a gun and more. To treasure the lives of all living creatures, especially those that need protection from the encroachment of mankind.
Highschool Sweethearts
You were my first in so many aspects. Until this time I had only ever felt paternal love from a man as he guided me through life. I’d had silly school girl crushes, but nothing that touched the reality I felt with you. You came into my life unexpectedly while moving to my hometown with your family for a short period of time. We were introduced through your older brother and quickly became friends and then more.
You were a tender soul and a fresh breath in my life. You were always compassionate and kind, a poet and a musician at heart, you introduced me to artists such as Jimi Hendrix and Alice Cooper to name a few. You expanded my horizon on musical talents and allowed me to look at them in a different light, ever while playing your guitar.
You taught me the joys of physical love and I shall always be grateful for those experiences with you. Unfortunately, our year together ended all too quickly and it was with sadness that I saw you and your family move on to another State. Long distance relationships are difficult at best and even though we tried initially to maintain it, it slowly slipped through our fingers like the sands of time. You reappeared by my side, but sadly I had moved on. It’s always been one of my biggest regrets that I hurt you by that action.
Through the years we have managed to keep in touch and you continue to be the tender and loving soul by always remembering my birthday or sending me little notes to pick me up, say Hi or share a new artist or song you’ve discovered. We both love cooking and share new ideas or recipes, always in a lighthearted way. I’m happy to see you have found fulfillment in your life and the love you have with your sons.
Unrequited Love
You were my Adonis. I never knew what that meant until I met you. You were tall, slender, blond, with green eyes. Meeting you felt like the first of Spring after a long, cold and hard Winter. Like seeing the first tendrils of the promise of new life as it slowly arises from the frozen earth. The first kiss of a warm gentle Spring breeze upon your cheek instead of the bitter winds of Winter. You were my Adonis. Although a wild child stirs within my heart, I was outwardly a shy and tentative creature. Unable to demonstrate the volley of emotions that coursed through my mind and body; my first dealings with you were nothing more than furtive glances and shy smiles. A difficulty expressing my thoughts or engaging in a meaningful dialog was an ever present hindrance. I desperately wanted to tell you that you were my Adonis but fear that this would drive you away even from the casual friendship we had established prevented me from doing so. You held yourself aloof.
As we began to know each other I thought we saw a Kindred spirit in each other. I would seek you out; excited to share new thoughts or experiences. It seemed to me that we shared so many common interests. Everything from outdoor activities, a love of law (which you hoped to make your career), our families, the written word, traveling, photography and more. I loved your family and was honored when your mother told me she’d like to see me become a daughter. When we made love, it felt like I touched heaven itself. A happiness and contentment came over me, the likes I had never felt. Perhaps this was only what I wanted to see; a conjecture of my own hopes and dreams as I visualized a future together. One that included a little girl with dark hair and green eyes, which we would name Leah. I never shared this with you. I was afraid to; as you held yourself aloof.
I felt everything was so right between us; it couldn’t be better. I was blissfully ignorant that your perspective wasn’t the same as mine. But slowly, I began to see. As the early dawn skies begin to lighten at the approach of a new day, so did my eyes see that you didn’t share my vision. You hinted at a previous relationship that turned sour and left a bitter taste upon your tongue. One I didn’t understand and I now know was a failing on my part to do so. You held yourself aloof.
You came to me and told me you were leaving for the Summer. I felt the beginning of a chasm between us. I didn’t understand the necessity of what you felt you had to do, but didn’t push you. Was this retaliation for a failed previous relationship; only directed at the wrong person? I remember the crushing weight upon my chest when I realized there was now a canyon where previously a chasm had existed and felt it was an insurmountable bridge to cross. I wasn’t able to breathe as I sat and wept over the loss. I asked myself where I had gone wrong, what I could have done differently. But I knew I could only give you the me as I was. I couldn’t be something or someone I wasn’t. I felt the winds had changed and did the only thing I knew to do for my own preservation. You held yourself aloof; and so I left.
The Pilot
You were the smartest man I knew. You were so charismatic and charming; your sense of humor was another thing I enjoyed as you were so quick witted and always had us laughing. We both loved traveling and experienced as much of that as humanly possible. You treated me like a precious treasure, showering me with your affections.
However, you have a darker side that even as charming and intellectual as you are cannot be hidden for long. I met you overseas and you pursued me like no other. I scarce could breathe as you allowed me no latitude to myself. I finally caved to your whim as does the shore to the constant pounding of the waves. We married and had two beautiful and loving children. I liked to think of us as the perfect family; however, perfection is something rarely achieved.
You told me I needed no friends, as you were my friend. You dictated my every action, overseeing all within your assumed purview. I observed how you treated others; mentally dominating them if they didn’t agree with you. It didn’t matter who fell under your scrutiny and acts of unleashed cruelty weren’t uncommon, even to your own family. I did nothing to stop you. I cringe as I think back of vicious acts against ex-spouses and children you fathered with them that became innocent victims to your brutality, caught in the middle and desperately seeking your love.
I falsely assumed you would never turn on me or our children. However, I was so wrong. Once you flipped that switch; there was no going back. You tried every manipulation available through the two-year divorce proceedings fraught with anger and hurt as you tried desperately to control me. The once loved children became nothing but a pawn in your vicious game at trying to maim me. Never seeing what you were doing to them. It became a test of my true inner strength to get beyond this time period intact and with minimal damage to our children.
The Challenger
As night is the opposite of day, so too was my relationship with you. Whereas previously I was controlled; you wanted nothing to do with that. It had been over 20 years since your brief marriage and everything about you exemplified that. Being with one woman was something foreign to you and your way of life. Something that initially created challenges in dealing with each other. Your job took you away constantly, however, that allowed us a freedom we both needed. Affectionate words and gestures never came easy to you, and I had to coax it out of you, but you told me it was time to settle down. You challenged me to grow and do things I had never dreamed of. You took me by the hand and led me as you showed me what more life had to offer. There was so much I saw in you that I admired.
You have an unbelievable love of the outdoors and sports associated with it. Everything from skiing, hiking, hunting, horseback riding, golfing, and more. You are the best fisherman I have ever known, always outfishing everyone else without even purposefully trying. You display your compassion in this sport by primarily fly fishing and releasing every fish you catch back into the wild. It’s always the thrill of landing one you say to me.
To infer you’re a thrill seeker is putting it mildly. Along with your love of nature, you seek dramatic adventures with motorized sports. Always looking for the next adrenaline rush, I have watched in awe as you rode a snowmobile up an impossibly steep slope, drag race your race car, or slalom water ski behind the boat. Over the years many a gasp has escaped me as you push me to explore my boundaries. I particularly love the little chuckle that breaks from your lips after hearing the catch in my breath at the sudden burst of speed while riding in your muscle car or the unexpected fishtailing around a sand wash in the Rzr. The one thing you haven’t been able to convince me to be is a “Harley Bitch” on the back of your machine, despite numerous attempts to persuade me. You’ve reveled me with stories of your youth and not so youthful daredevil adventures you’ve experienced. I shake my head in amazement that you even survived and count my lucky stars that I wasn’t blessed with raising a child such as you.
You amaze me with your mechanical aptitude and propensity to repair not only the numerous vehicles we have, but also repairs in and on our house. You can diagnose mechanical failures, identifying the underlying cause and facilitate upgrades or service. The only area I’ve heard you complain about is when dealing with wiring, which you’ve mentioned numerous times you hate. One area I’ve experienced you conceding, however rare, is when you allow me to read the instructional manual for something and you listen to what I’m explaining. You can even read a map almost as well as I do.
You have been a great step-father to my children. This is no doubt a difficult undertaking and I fully recognize the frustrations in guiding and disciplining as appropriate when they are your own children, let alone someone else’s. Especially in light of the fact that their biological father was for the most part absent or only present when he was attempting to disrupt our lives. However, I believe you have reaped the rewards with the grandchildren that have come to us. All of whom adore you beyond measure. It gives me great joy to see you playing hide and seek with them, taking them sledding down hills, towing them behind the boat on tubes, or teaching them to fish. That is a monumental task in itself as you run from pole to pole casting, helping bait the hook, getting the line untangled or any other unbelievable happenstance that occurs.
You take great pride in your physical wellbeing, going to a gym three or four times a week to exercise and maintain a sound condition. Something I appreciate greatly. Our physical relationship over the years has been spectacular. It is with great joy that I look forward to every evening as we retire and morning as we rise, when you reach over and draw me to you. Holding me in your arms, touching me in a loving embrace while kissing me good night or good morning.
Life is an Adventure 