Why do some images remain in my mind forever while others have faded from my grasp? Some of the images that remain indelibly imprinted are of no consequence, but yet they remain. I recall the wind gently drifting through the aspen trees in the autumn. Stirring the bright golden and red hues, sunlight glistening off them as they chatter against each other sounding like the call of a lover upon the breeze. The vivid golden tones contrast against the crystal clear and brilliant blue of the Rocky Mountain Sky. Just the mere thought of this memory places a peace upon my soul in its symbolic harmony at the beauty of the world within which we live.
Oft in my life I have sat and looked towards the sky. Clouds have ever held a fascination to me in their numerous shapes and meaning. They can lay upon the mountains like a soft blanket, obscuring peaks from view. Whereas, other clouds can be anything from small fluffy cotton balls, floating by, allowing my mind to see them take on the characteristics of animals and other creatures. They can grow in size to be the huge thunderheads with flat bottoms and unbelievable heights dominating the sky in a threatening appearance. A most exhilarating site can be beheld watching a bolt of lightning illuminate the inside of a cloud, reaching a forked finger towards the Earth. Clouds bring forth water; the giver of life which nurtures our lands, allowing the green tendrils to come forth and bloom. The rain that falls from them cleans our sky’s, making everything around us clear and shimmering in a crystal clarity. The fresh smell of rain is a fragrance unparalleled as it brings forth images of lush fields or deep forests with hints of pine. At the end of day it is the clouds that create stunning sunsets as the sun’s rays reflect off them creating a prism of color unequaled.
Our relationship erupted from the beginning with a fiery passion; the likes I had never experienced. I waited anxiously when we were apart playing the minutes and hour over in my mind of our times together. Each minute that passed felt as if they were hours that I counted longing to be together again and reignite those flames. It was an addiction that pulled at me, taking my breath with it. Was it my imagination this intensity between us? Surly it was merely a fantasy, as this amount of passion could not exist between two individuals. Although after a fashion, you stated a desire to make a commitment to each other by seeing no other; it had been that way with me from the first. I think this was an adjustment that you wrestled with in coming to a final decision within yourself. For myself I could see no other in my life and gently told you so. You needed to see the same vision that I saw and come to a realization on your own. One that not only included me as I was but two children in tow. I waited with eager breath as I watched you grapple with the questions in your mind trying to foresee into the future.
The time had flown in years and the flames diminished in intensity; perhaps settling into the safe knowledge of contentment. Although there were struggles at times over the years and indeed questions as to the sanity of our actions, we weathered all coming out the wiser through the effort. Pressures of raising children, working and finances, among others battered at us which tore at our resolve and at times seemed to place insurmountable obstacles in our way. With a determination born of stubbornness we navigated these waters coming out the other side not entirely unscathed but at the same time more resolved and firmly seated in our love for each other.
As we grow older and I see the senior years of our life coming at us fast and furiously, we are confronted with different deterrents than previously observed. A slowing down and the loss of strength of our bodies has become a reality that is difficult for our minds to grasp. You tell me of a future I cannot envision. That men in your family die an early death and that you fear that impending doom hanging over you as a shadow creeping its way upon the ground towards you. How do I grapple with this new reality? In my mind we are still the youthful and adventurous beings of our earlier years. The contentment in our love for each other is like a warm blanket upon my shoulders. My adoration for you is so deeply entrenched it has become a part of my soul. It is with trepidation my love of what this future looks like as I tell you truly that I cannot imagine a life without you in it.
Music has always been an important part of my life. The beat of a song thrums through my body so I can scare contain myself. Hearing a song can bring back a memory of a given time, place or person. I am envious of those individuals so gifted with the ability to render their love of music through song, something I was denied and never able to accomplish. My only saving grace in this area is my ability to demonstrate my enjoyment of music through dance. The tones of the music flow through my limbs as I twirl and spin, getting lost in the rhythms momentarily forgetting life’s constant pressures.
In my younger years, I recall my dad asking me what I wanted out of life. I didn’t know how to answer his question as I was lost and adrift at the time. I stared blankly at him without a word. I realized that he was quite content in his life that he experienced and wondered if I would be as satisfied if I lived the same experiences or if I required something different. I had recently been denied what I thought I wanted and was reeling in the knowledge and hurt of the pain from an unfulfilled relationship and so I felt within my heart a desire to strike out on my own to expose myself to unknown adventures. The realization that what I wanted was as far from my grasp as the stars in the sky drove me to this course of action. One that I had recently expressed to him. One that set me on a course to the other side of the world, and as a loving father greatly concerned him. We had bitter words over this as he dutifully tried to persuade me to change my mind. But ever the determined individual I was, I insisted I saw no other option. And so I set out on my own to experience these adventures in an attempt to determine what I wanted out of life.
One of life’s great mysteries to me is the attraction a moth has to the flame. What about it attracts it to flutter about so dangerously close? Can it not feel the danger being presented to it? For a creature with such a short lifespan, and so many other dangers presented to it on a daily basis, why does it seek to shorten that life span even more? What benefit does the moth receive from flitting so close to the dangerous flame? As I contemplate this, I see a comparison between that smallest of creatures and myself. Instead of fluttering wings, it is my heart that quivers. I am drawn to you as if you are my flame. One that will surely scorch me, but I seem to be unable to help myself. I chastise myself constantly as my brain understands the futile effort being expended, but my heart seems not to care and constantly interjects itself. I’m forever in a battle within my own body. Surely my brain will win out, but my heart is ever persistent. And, so I exist day to day within my own inner turmoil; seeing no end in sight nor way out.
Breaking of bread with someone is an extremely symbolic gesture. It portrays more than simply providing nourishment to your body. I believe food is so important in our lives and sharing sustenance with others not only creates a bond between us but exemplifies my love and affection for them. Sharing a repast is more than just about the food being placed before us. By coming together over a meal that I have spent time preparing to share with friends or family demonstrates giving a measure of myself. I want nothing more than for them to take enjoyment out of what I have prepared. I came to this conclusion at an early age. When I was 13 my mother went back to school and obtained a job. As the oldest daughter I gained additional responsibility in the household as well as in regards to my younger siblings. One of those new tasks was to begin the evening meal for our family. It was from this that I learned to appreciate how important it was to be a good chef and cook delicious meals for all those around me to meet this goal. Many a pleasant thought is held in my mind of sitting at a table with family or friends chatting pleasantly as we partake of the meal. All of life’s frustrations as well as any difficulties with each other are put aside as we enjoy each other’s company; coming together despite any struggles in the past.
Nothing is more captivating than sitting around a campfire after dark. The warmth radiating from the fire caresses your face and body in soothing waves, capturing you in enchantment as you sit in a hypnotic gaze at the flames dancing before you. The smell of woodsmoke wafts gently around you as you are drawn deeper, all the while being mesmerized. The popping of pitch in the wood as it burns further creates a sensation of enchantment. Looking upward you can see the myriad of stars gracing the night’s sky. All worries can float away as you are captured within the peace and serenity of this moment.
How fortunate I count myself to have friends in my life. Individuals that I not only share common thoughts and goals with, but for whom I have true affection and caring. Friends that I can share my deepest thoughts, regrets or joys with. Knowing I will not be judged for my shortcomings, which I am well aware are many. But rather being accepted for who and what I am as well as my beliefs. At times, my closest friends appear to read my mind as they know me so well and can anticipate what I wish to share with them. Deep feelings and thoughts that I have been unable to tell others. My life would be sorely inadequate without their ever present love, guidance and support. They have become sisters of my heart as I affectionately call them; as that truly represents what they mean to me.
Bicycle riding is a thrill I thoroughly enjoy. It’s the closest I can get to flying while still attached to the ground. I love the wind gently blowing on my face and through my hair; the smells of freshly mowed fields as I peddle by them or the cool breeze that suddenly drops the temperature as it wafts from that same field. The sun beaming down on me warms my skin. As I peddle along the river, I pass from shadow to shadow of the trees growing along its banks, hearing the calls of ducks, loons, cormorants or other birds as they sing to each other. Everyone is always friendly in passing as they also are enjoying the experience. After I finish a strenuous hill and breathe deeply, I find enjoyment as I feel the air refreshing my body and a sense of calm as I coast down the opposite side of the hill.
How many times have I taken something for granted, only to have it taken from me? It is with sad realization after the fact that I see the error I made and chastise myself for the state of complacency in which I dwelled. Things I took pride in are no longer within my grasp. Previously I had wonderful eyesight and now sadly I report that has diminished. I reveled in the fact that I was strong and could lift endless bales of hay and had limitless energy. This is no longer the fact and shake my head as at times I seem to struggle with cleaning my own house. I took pride in the fact that my parents were ever present and we enjoyed outdoor activities such as river floating and camping. Now I am greatly concerned for them as I see their health failing and realize those days are over. I have always been a great enthusiast of nature and being outdoors. I look at my way of life and all the things I enjoy and ask myself, yes, but for how long? One thing that has become clearly embossed upon my mind is that I should give thanks for each day and live that day to its fullest for no one knows what tomorrow will bring.
There’s nothing so grand as a thunderstorm! It starts with a little rumbling in the distance that pricks at the eardrums making you question if you truly heard it or not. Looking outside there is a flash of light in distant clouds. You stare trying to determine how big of a storm is coming and which direction it is heading. As a bolt of lightning illuminates a cloud, it reveals a fringe of streaked blue strands stretching below it; promising a shower of rain. The minutes go by and you tick off the seconds between the brilliant flashes of light and the thunderous rumble that follows in an effort to determine how far away the storm is and when it will arrive with all its fury. Quickly checking as to the availability of a flash light or lantern and its location – just in case; you grab a blanket and settle into a comfortable spot within full range of the spectacular show being displayed. As the storm approaches the thunder gets louder; arriving quicker after each bolt as if it is Thor’s mighty hammer echoing in time with your heart beat and echoing through your body. The wind picks up in its fury, pushing the massive clouds along as the fresh smell of rain assaults your senses. Droplets of rain hit the window announcing its arrival and you watch as they grow into rivulets running down the glass. Then, as quickly as it arises it begins to diminish as it rides the currents of the furious gales. You breathe a sigh of relief when the rumbling begins to fade into the distance and the storm barrels onward. There’s nothing so grand as a thunderstorm!
Why is it that when we are young life seems to move at such a slow pace? We can’t wait to grow older to be able to experience all that life has to offer. Driving a car; a first date; a first love; gaining our independence and more. As we approach the middle years of our life, we discover one containing children, a job that may be stressful, a relationship that tugs at our sanity. We try to find a balance between all these pressures and it feels at times as if we sacrifice enjoyment of life. It’s hard to focus on the daily delights and remember these moments are brief and fleeting; soon to be gone in the onward march of time. As quickly as these moments appear we find ourselves beyond them and look back in shock at how rapidly it truly occurred. Our life is speeding up and time moves ever forward, covering ground so quickly and one that we now wish we could slow. We would like to believe all is eternal; but we begin to realize that life is not timeless as we endeavor to experience the most out of our time.
Life is an Adventure 